What the . . . where did October go??

Greetings!

Here it is, nearly the last of the month and I can't even remember what's happened. so . . . here it goes . . .

This month I was able to go to my classes and get all my work turned in ON TIME. I got a 29 out of 30 on my midterm in one o my classes!! Wahoo! I'm really enjoying school. It's a challenge in a good way. I've done well on all my assignments. It's been a lot of fun working with new people and seeing the different personalities. I love the things I'm learning about the access available to those with disabilities and the amazing things people are able to do if given the right tools. Now I just need to organize my skills and put my time to good use.

I had fun going to Arizona in September to see my niece get baptized. It's always fun to visit the family. I've been collecting nail polish colors for a long time. My nieces love painting their nails!

Then this time they wanted me to do their make-up. When I finished with theirs they wanted to do mine!

One niece did one side of my face ...

and the other niece did the other side of my face!

Never can have too much blue eye shadow!

This coming month I am doing a group presentation on autism. It was an eye opening experience creating this presentation. I learned about the different aspects of Autism, how it effects families and the helpful adaptations. AND, as an added bonus, I learned how to make a PowerPoint presentation.

I am working on getting my jewelry online. My friend took a whole bunch of pictures of my jewelry. They look really nice.

I am doing a research paper on ECT and its effects on cognition, memory and functioning. My outpatient doctor agrees I have some major deficits and is now requesting I have neurological testing done. I am happy about that because if they can pin point the deficits that I have, they can help me get the rehabilitation and help that I need to get back into mental shape . . . if that's even possible. Ha ha! My testing will take place over 4 hours on November 10th. Pray they can accurately assess my situation and get me he help I need.

I have taken up cooking . . . kind of. I've starting trying out different smoothies. I have also made zucchini bread and tried my hand at Banana bread. I need to work on those skills.

I had a date last week. I had a lot of fun. The guy was really nice, and told me he'd call me this week to go out again, but then yesterday he sent me an email saying that he was "going to keep looking." I told him to have fun and that I have friends, so if he's looking for anything specific I may be able to help. LOL Ah well. I got all excited about the date, got all beautified and everything. I looked hot! But . . . he wasn't interested. I guess it takes a special guy to recognize all my unique characteristics. For that reason, I am back where I started.

I have started going to the SDSU CES Institute. I really like the people I've met there and the class that I'm taking. It's called "Easy answers to hard questions". I like it because we learn about a topic that nonmember ask us about and then each student works on a 20 word or less answer in their own words. It sure puts things into perspective.

I'm still volunteering at the Bishops' Storehouse and loving it! Right now I'm working on obtaining a summer internship somewhere---hopefully at a college---to help people with disabilities get the accessibilties in their classrooms. We'll see. I think I need to write up a proposal for an internship and decide what I am really looking for as far as experience is concerned.

My Grandma celebrated her 87th birthday at the beginning of this month. we had a nice dinner at my grandparents' house, complete with lemon creme pie---Grandma's favorite!

and then my grandparents celebrated their 68th wedding anniversary the 17th.

Congratulations! I find that truly amazing! It takes a lot of good communication, sense of humor, flexibility and respect to make it 68 years! I'll be celebrating my 67th in the eternities.

Anyway, I am off to the temple! Take care! Love, MOPS

School is ALMOST here!!

Greetings!

Yay! School starts on the 30th and I am SO EXCITED! I have all my books and all my pens ready! I've even had this hankering to begin reading those books .... so I did! Weird huh?

I've been looking to move to somewhere nice and peaceful that would be closer to school and I think I found it. So ... I've got to start packing. My parents are taking me over tonight to just solidify things. Can I just tell you I am looking forward to this move in ways no one can understand! No more yippy dogs ... Did I ever mention I'm NOT a dog person? Dogs are nice to look at from afar.

I wrote an article for The Seagull again and I am working on another one!

Work has been going okay. I am realizing the insanity of working with a company who has a computer system of the dark ages. Our computers are constantly down or kicking us out and then telling us when we sign on again that our passwords are invalid. (sigh) BUT I will only be working there until school starts and then I will be a starving student! (I'm accepting donations! ha ha!) Of course I may be one in the literal sense because heaven knows I can't cook! Anyone have tips for ways to plan a weeks worth of food for one person. Ideas for a meal plan? In this new place I will not be sharing groceries. Which is good because I won't run the risk of offending my roommate for not eating her scary meat dishes and BAD because my roommate really had a knack for pulling together recipes I'd never tasted before. In someways I feel like this move is probably akin to when I left home for the first time because I had no idea how to cook or plan meals then either. Anything I had learned food-wise was completely erased with the ECT. Too bad they don't have classes for these things. I really could use one!

Anyway! I'd better get to the packing! Love you guys! -MOPS

She's BAAACK!!

My Pageant Days!

Greetings and Salutations to all!

Just a little update. My friend Xochie wondered what the plans were for the birthday . . . so let me tell you. I have NO CLUE!! I am turning the big three-five on Saturday and I have no clue what I'm going to do on that day, but my friend, Deanna H (a YW leader from my youth) is throwing me a party the Saturday after conference/Easter. She is sending out invites and all sorts of funny things. The theme is something like "SHE'S BAAACK!" since I am doing so well, acting like I once did and living life as it should be lived again. She is using that picture on the invite.

I know, none of you knew I was in pageants. I wasn't. But my mom loved helping me dress up and I was a Toys for Tots Princess and got to wave in parades and such . . . I personally wasn't a fan of the entire hair piece and makeup thing. (although I would have loved to have curly hair, the reality was I didn't. Mine was straight as a piece of bamboo. That's straight right? I can't remember how you say that . . . anyway! That's one thing I hate and love about having ECT. I can't remember all the idioms and people stare at me funny when I say something they've never heard before. But recently my brain has cleared to the point that I am able to use some vocab that I learned growing up and actually remembering it on the spot. (I guess dreaming at night has taken on a whole new level now that I'm using the GRE test vocab in the dreams. I guess I sub consciously I am learning it! Too bad I can't take the test while asleep. I'd probably do better)

Boy! This post has lost it's point and I'm only on the 3rd paragraph!

I learned tonight that my mom's in the hospital. She was admitted after having been severely ill for a few days. Honestly she has been very ill for quite sometime, but she won't admit to me how ill she really is. Like all moms, she doesn't want to worry her children. But the hospital can't figure out why her body is riddled with infection when she's been on massive doses of antibiotics for 3 months now. No, that is not a typo. She's been on antibiotics for 3 whole months. Today she was too the point that she wasn't able to walk or stand well without aid and she just plain doesn't feel good. So, if you could keep her, her Doctors and my dad in your prayers I would really appreciate it.

I was able to go to the Deaf Branch today. I really do enjoy the branch so much. Today two men who are Deaf and Blind passed the sacrament. There was something about it. Something about them passing the sacrament, being led with a hand on their leader's shoulder, going around to the congregation that made me think about our Savior's atonement for me in a completely different way. Like these two men who each had their own guide, I cannot live this life without the Saviour to guide me. Like these two men, whom others have pitied because of their "limitations", I can achieve more than I know, because of the Saviour's strength in my life. Many people pity the Deaf. They really pity the Deaf and Blind. But, as these two men so regularly demonstrate, they aren't limited! They are beyond smart! When I interpret for them I sit in front of one man and he rests his hand on my hand as I am signing. He understands everything just from feeling me sign with one hand! I love seeing them at church because often members of the branch will sit in front of them (one person in front of each man) and they will copy what is being said to the men who are Deaf and blind. The Deaf have the opportunity to interpret and feel what it is like for the interpreters who listen to the English and interpret into ASL for them. The Lord gives us so many opportunities to learn and serve one another. Back to the Sacrament today. I felt so grateful today for the opportunities I have been given because although many people view my illness as a severe disability, with the right tools (meds, therapy, ECT, your support and who knows what  else . . .) I can live a normal life just like these men are able to participate fully in their lives.

It's interesting because what most the world's population considers a disability is actually an opportunity to be creative and learn how to do something in a way other's haven't even imagined.

My ASL teacher, Vadja, grew up in a situation where his parents wouldn't learn sign language to communicate with him. They only used gestures. When Vadja was 9 (I think) his Deaf uncle came to visit and Vadja had never seen sign language before. Only the home signs that his dad had created. His dad grew up with his Deaf brother and didn't learn sign language to talk with him either. So when Vadja's uncle arrived, Vadja just stared in disbelief as his uncle started teaching him sign language. He said that within a few weeks it was like he'd known sign all his life. I just can't imagine going all my life with parents who couldn't or wouldn't talk to me.

Vadja taught the Deaf for 30+ years. He said that 75% of all deaf kids have hearing parents. Of those hearing parents only about 70% (or more) have parents who refuse to learn sign. Can you believe that? He said that most often deaf kids are behind because (for example) some hearing kids can ask easily 500 questions a day, wondering what things are and how they work  . . . but a deaf kid with parents who don't know sign will ask the same questions and realize their parents can't answer them, so they just stop asking. It's not because they're any less curious. It's simply because they can't get the answers they need, so they stop asking.

I think about my friend Laurel (who is Deaf) who's parents who were both Deaf (which is VERY rare) and with siblings who were all Deaf. I bet she had all her questions answered. Okay, not all, who can have all their questions answered??? But still, she was very fortunate her communication wasn't limited. Today I met a young woman who's mom is Deaf, yet the girl can't communicate with her mom because she refuses to learn sign. I just don't get that.

That situation was interesting. I went to dinner after church at the Riddle's house. That girl was there, visiting from Tijuana and spoke no English. She was relying on her sister to interpret for her what her mom was saying and what the English speakers were saying. Then I look at one of the missionaries there and he is completely Deaf and doesn't understand what other's who didn't know sign language  there were saying. I was interpreting for both. In an instant I actually remembered something from my mission. I remembered that when I was in the Missionary training center learning Spanish I was scared I was going to forget my ASL since I wouldn't be with my friend Laurel everyday, or with other Deaf friends like I was before my mission. So I started saying my personal prayers voicing them in Spanish and signing them in ASL at the same time. I think I may have even done that after my mission to remember my Spanish because I wasn't using it everyday and I was back to interpreting for my Deaf friends.

Well, thank you all for taking the time to read this. I am working on updating it more often . . . we'll see how that works ;) I love getting your comments, because then I know you really are reading this and I'm not just sending it out to a void. I love you guys! -MOPS

Top Things That Happened in 2009

(Thanks to my journals I can actually tell you about it!)

January

Became Assistant Ward Librarian of the San Diego 8th Ward

February

Had a ship (currently docked in Madagascar) named after me!
(Yes, that's a real boat and no, it's not photoshopped!)

March

Turned 34!! Celebrated with some friends and family

April

Visited AZ and family (including 4 nieces and 1 nephew)

May

Last hospital stay of 2009!! As of today I've been out seven months in a row---new record since 2002!

June

Quit ECT!

July 1st

Moved out of the nasty group home! No more rationed toilet paper!!

Moved in with Leslie McEwan and her two cute little doggies.

Became a member of the La Mesa 2nd Ward

Began feeling like myself again!

August

Relearned how to subtract

Taught how to efficiently budget money (newly improved subtraction skills help)

Began remembering things taking place in this month.

September

Played to my hearts content with Klint, Heather and family during Labor Day weekend.

Unintentionally performed a perfect Back Flop off Grandpa and Grandma’s diving board

Began teaching Advanced ASL for the CA North Stake

Interviewed by State of CA Vocational Rehab. Dept. for eligibility to be trained.

October

Played way too much (if that’s possible) with the Forbushes! (Visiting from UT)

Relearned a key rule: Don’t chase after the Elders!! Ended up in TWO orthatic boots!

Pushed around Sea World like a princess! (In a wheelchair)

Handed out treats for Halloween as stay-puff marshmallow boy

Accepted into State of CA Voc. Rehab Program!!

November

Called as “Ward Bulletin Administrator”

Celebrated Thanksgiving with parents and grandparents

December

Hired by H&R Block as a “Customer Service Professional or CSP” (Personally I prefer receptionist ;)

Funding comes through for GRE test and Master’s Program at SDSU to become Rehab Counselor and help others with disabilities get the accessibility they need.

Played with Klint, Heather and kids for 3 days!!

Put together a 500 piece puzzle of the USA (by myself) in less than 3 hrs!

Okay, well, as you can see I've had quite the variety of things happen during this year. If'I could take one thing away from it I would have to say . . . hope. During this past year I have been on the brink of hopelessness feeling lost and alone---wondering hour after hour if I would ever be able to control my illness instead of it controling me. Now here I am with my illness in check for the most part and I have the world at my fingers. I may not be able to control my illness, but I have a tighter reign on things. I also have something waiting just over the horizon. 2010 is going to be the best year yet, I can feel it! Happy new year! -MOPS

Venting

Prior to moving in to Loma Residential, the owners assured me a vegetarian diet, rides to & from all of my appointments, a regular haircut and a bus pass. But unfortunately, they completely lied. Last night my counseling appointment wasn't until 7pm and Mike, the owner, said it was too late---even though he'd known about the appointment for 3 weeks or more. So, I missed the appointment and wasn't able to reschedule it . . . until a month from now.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in La Mesa. It's four blocks from my parents house. Mary, the lady who works for Mike was taking me to the appointment but at the spur of the moment said she couldn't pick me up afterwards. I thought maybe I could walk to mom and dad's house afterwards, maybe hang out a while to postpone returning to this place as long as I possibly could. I thought maybe they'd be willing to take back. But when the owner found out my plan, he called my mom and dad and forbade them the take me home because I need "to learn independence." Gee. After living serving a mission in Dallas and living out of state for nearly 10 years . . . graduated with my bachelors, started my Masters . . . cooked, grocery shopped, cleaned, played, went to church, drove provided my own transportation everywhere by walking, driving or ride my bike everywhere . . .I need to learn independence? It's called using your resources. What do they think I am STUPID? So I looked up San Diego public transit but the San Diego bus Internet site doesn't include La Mesa even though buses and trolleys go through the city all the time. OH I'M SO MAD! So I called the transit line and all they do is give bus or trolley or coaster routes. None of them mixed like taking the bus to the trolley and then getting on another bus and nothing in La Mesa. MY LIFE SUCKS AND I HATE LIVING IT!

So, just so I can "make my own decisions and be independent," forget the San Diego Transit! Mike hasn't bought me a monthly  bus pass since I moved in here! I'm going to get some exercise and ride my bike from near the College area to La Mesa blvd. It's only a seven mile round-trip. Who cares if I die of a heart attack because my heart rate gets too elevated due to exercise (thanks to one med I took which caused tachycardia). I certainly don't care!

Since I was diagnosed with something in March of '98 I have always taken all my meds as prescribed---everyday. I've never self medicated with drugs or alcohol. I've always tried to make good decisions as best I possibly can, yet my life is CRAP! I don't even remotely do any of the things that many other Bipolar or schizophrenic people do. I don't sell my body or have multiple sex partners. I've been having ECT since Dec. 2007! Nearly weekly if not more often! Now I can't even remember working at the temple or going out with Judy for ice cream unless I wrote about it in my journal. Even then I don't remember it. I just read about it in my journal and think, "huh, I wrote it . . . I guess it's true." I can't remember my mission, I can't remember going to BYU or Ricks. My education is completely lost! Now I'm stuck at this horrible group home where all who live here do all day is watch TV and fight about changing channels. Oh that's productive! That really teaches them how to live with their illnesses! It really teaches them independence! I HAVE TO MOVE somewhere I won't be around people who think I need to learn independence & learn how to take care of myself. When I'm really sick, I know it! I call my Dr or my nurse or I go to the hospital. Most people who have my illness don't even recognize that they are ill. Many don't know how to take care of themselves. They quit taking their meds after a month or two because they either feel better or the meds aren't working so what's the point?

I'm jealous of my brothers and their families. They can remember their education. They found the woman of their dreams and have silly kids. I'm know they have their own trials . . . but they don't involve suicidal voices, intrusive thoughts, depression, living under someone else's roof and not having the liberty to leave when they want. They can choose what they want for a meal. If they want a glass of milk they won't get in trouble for it---because they have more than ONE gallon per month for 8 people! Yeah, that's getting my calcium content for the day/week/month.

I've had so much ECT I can't remember what I learned on my mission---if I learned anything and I can only kind of remember high school. Before that . . . it's spotty. My prayers go completely unheard and unanswered. It's useless. My in patient Dr and the owner of this house, Mike, are completely controlling my life. Mike thinks I'm such a sicko that I have to give Mike 24 hours notice before I go anywhere---even with my family. He's like the evil step-dad I never had. What's worse, my mom and dad think everything my Dr or Mike says is right and should be followed to the "t". They can't even make decisions on their own . . . so why allow me? I tell them that I don't want ECT any more because it's not working and my mom says, "but you have a smile on your face and you took a shower!" Oh yeah, that's how I look everyday! They all must think I am the most stupid, imbecilic, incapable person to ever have existed mortally. They feel they can judge my capacity by my immediate appearance! So what if I've cried myself to sleep nearly every single night for the past several weeks? They don't even notice the good things I do or even my life compared to someone else who has this illness. Gee, I wonder if I started living like others both who I know or have read about if my parents would realize how good they had it when I was living my standards!-MOPS