So much fun!

Hello,

Well, the elders in our ward came and really served us! They whacked down and ripped out a juniper bush. It was probably about 10 ft. high. They worked on it for several hours, stopping for water and lunch. I made them pork tacos. They ate them right up. Awesome missionaries! I want to find someone in this area I can refer them too. I don't know many people here.

My Uncle and Aunt came to town for a couple of days and it was SO fun to see them!! We all (granparents, mom, dad and 2 uncles and 2 aunts. FUN!! -MOPS

Where have I been?

Hello? Okay, so I do a better job managing my journal than I do managing my blog. I've written in a journal since I was 12. I've had a blog since 2005 (with only one posting then.). I am so grateful I've always written in a journal. I mean, having lost the lat 12+ years of crystal clear memory due to ECT has really changed me. I mean if you learn from your experiences . . . does that mean that you have to experience everything over again if you can't remember it? Good thing I've kept a journal and have friends and family who can remind me of things. Everything from the activities and experiences I've had to the tale of Sleeping Beauty and Rumpelstiltskin.

Anyway, let me catch you up.

I moved from that horrid group house on July 1, 2009. What a difference! I am now living with a friend of mine. She is the mother of one of my friends from high school/the "other ward." It is so nice to have family prayer and live in an environment that is inviting to the Spirit. Because of which my perspective on life has completely changed. The voices have left and I am getting out and around on my bike, bus and trolley. It's actually refreshing.

That is until yesterday. Boy, yesterday something hit me. I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. My brain was in overload. spinning and repeating things over and over again. I started freaking out. I mean completely freaking out. It got to the point where I couldn't catch my breath and stop crying, which for me means getting sick to my stomach. But luckily I was able to control that. Finally I remembered to call my counselor. I got through to him and he reminded me I have a PRN and to take one. My roommate finally came home and did not yell at me (not that she ever has. But for some reason I was thinking over and over again that she would (like they did at that group home I was at)). I was beyond paranoid. I was sweating and feeling cold at the same time. We don't have air conditioning and so I had the fans on. But I was seriously whacked. I had called my dad and he asked if I had a fever. I took my temp and it was only 99, so I don't think it was the fever.

I hope my family never has to see that side of me again. Unfortunately, I can only control it so much.

I have made many mistakes in this life, some having to do with my family and I really don't want to put them through what I go through. Not that my illness is caused by my mistakes. Nope. I've never taken drugs unless they are prescribed. I've never taken too much of a drug either. But I have watched things on TV that seriously effect my affect. (How's that for a sentence?!) I am working on watching less TV and when I do watch TV, not to watch things that are violent or just plain bad, because it effects my spirit, which effects my brain, body and mood. I'm sure that at one point I knew all this, but it seems that I have relearned it in a significant way.

Now that I've talked your ear off, I'll let you go. :) -MOPS

More news

My parents are out of town and they won't be coming home for 9 days. They went to Atlanta, GA to see my brother and his family and to see their new baby get blessed. I am bummed that I couldn't go, but who has money for that anyway?

I would love to see my new nephew and my other neices and nephew. I haven't seen them for quite a while.

I have some things that I am working on. I need to work on my book. I haven't worked on that for a while. I have been reading a lot more lately. That's been a lot of fun.

My Aunt came in town from Dallas, TX. It was a lot of fun to see her and her daughter came too. I saw her at dinner at another Aunt's house. It was fun to see them. I can't even remember the last time I saw them.

Anyway, I'm off. Have a great day! -MOPS

At Last!

Hello! Hello! Hello!
I am so excited! I went to the SDSU institute this past week and I found an ad for a woman who was looking for a roommate! Yeah! And come to find out I know her. She lives in the same town I grew up in and I went to see her and her house and we had a great talk!

So, I will be moving in with her in July! On the first! I am so excited to live with someone who shares the same values that I do and who won't lock up the food and the rent is half of what I am paying now and I am so happy! I can buy my own bus pas and I can buy my own food.

The only thing that I am sad about is that I moving out of the San Diego 8th ward with my Aunt and cousin and a great Bishop and great visiting teachers. So I'll have to make that happen in the new ward. Of course my Aunt and cousin won't be in that ward, but there will be other people that have known all growing up and I will be in the stake that I was in growing up, so that will be good.

So, I am happy and I look forward to moving! Yeah!! -MOPS

Loma Residential

Hello,
Here I'm living in a group home of a bunch of people who have mental illness. It is HARD to live with people with mental illness. Does that mean it's hard to live with me? I wish I could be more healthy and move out of here. I'm so sick of living here. I've got to move out! I've almost lived here for 8 months. I'm more than willing to move out. I wish I could find a girl with my values who would be willing to have me as a roomie. I think there has to be another person with morals out there who won't be afriad to live with me. I'm working hard at being under control. I need a car too. I hope I can get one. I hope I can move out of here soon. Good grief, I guess you already know that! I can cook for myself, I know when I am sick, I'm very resourceful at getting places. The only place I need a ride to and from is ECT. Bummer. I absolutely hate this place. I need to do what I can to lower the stress in my life and moving out of this place would certainly help.
-MOPS

Ah Well

So,
I am still living at this group home. I am more than willing to move and get outof here. This house is just not for me. So if you know of another place for me to move . . . just tell me. I am ready. I have already lived here for more than 7 months and my out patient Dr wants me to move.

Pray for me. Please. -MOPS

Another Britian's Got Talent!

This 12-year-old sang two songs. I don't know what he did wrong on the first try, but Simon said he did it all wrong and asked him to sing another song. The second song he sang was fantastic! I thought they both were! But go and see for yourself. He will be competing against Susan Boyle, the other woman I posted on this blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVU4IkzMNIo

-MOPS

Arizona!

Hello all! I had the best weekend last weekend! I drove with my parents to Mesa, AZ and had the opportunity to hang out with my family! Klint and Heather's oldest, Taylor, was baptized and they're youngest, Breanna, was blessed. It was so much fun to be with so many people and just enjoy myself. I loved Taylor's baptism. I had the opportunity to share my testimony with her and then on Sunday I had the opportunity to hold Breanna for quite a while, while every one else slept or played games. It was such a blast! I can't remeber the last time I got to hold a baby. Breanna has a head full of dark brown hair that's about 2 inches long. She has the cutest smile!

I also got to draw a lot of pictures with Kristen my 6-year-old niece and listen to all the crazy stories from almost all the 35 people that were hanging out in the Price household at the same time.

The poor kids were sick and some of the adults got it too, but for some it came and left pretty quick. Like me, I had a sore throat on Sunday, but I took some cold meds and it went away. I was very lucky.

I also got to have my very own hotel room, which was nice. It was a HUGE bed with comfy pillows and blankets. It was great. The food on the vacation was good too.

I read the book Inkheart which is a very good book. I checked it out at the La Mesa Library before I left. I saw the movie when it was in theaters, but it is completely different than the book and as always, the book was much better.

I wish I were able to go to Atlanta, GA to see my new nephew when he's born this coming week.

Until later, MOPS

TP

I am slightly amused because I am living in this group home and Sat. morning I am given a roll of toliet paper by the owners. I am told this is MY roll of toliet paper and I'm not to be using anyone else's roll. Evidently the FIVE women who use the ONE bathroom have been going through the TP TOO FAST! Hmmm . . . so we were all given our own roll. Tonight I'm left to wonder what will happen if I run out of toliet paper before the owner thinks I should (for example we only get one galllon of milk for 6 people and it is supposed to last us a month! If we finish it early we don't get another gallon until the next month. Or the peanut butter, if the 6 of us finish that within 2 months we don't get another thing of peanut butter for an additional 2 months.) So what's up with the toliet paper?
I told this to a friend of mine and he said it reminded him of a Sienfiled episode "can you spare a square?" or "The Stall." That made me laugh a bit. When I told my former 4th/5th grade teacher's family about it they thought it was hilarious! The wife ran and got me a roll from her cupboard so I won't have to start collecting leaves or something incaqse I use more than I should and not be given another roll until late next month.

Until later, MOPS

Choices

In this life we have so many choices. Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes not so good . . .sometimes even rotten ones. I think that part of helping someone make a decision is being there for them and being trustworthy. I also think that part of living life is being able to make your own choices. That is part of why we're here on this earth after all---to see if we apply what we learn to our lives. It's impossible to always make good decisions, I mean, we can try our hearts out and make we best decisions we can, but we are all human. I think part of living life is being able to have the free agency to make choices without others telling you they are wrong just because the don't agree with the choice you make or think that they make better decisions for you. I can understand that a parent wants their child to make good decisions for several reasons: 1. They love their child. 2. They want what's best for their child. 3. They did their very best to teach their child so that they would not go astray. 4. They might get embarrassed if their child makes a poor decision feeling it reflects on them.

However there comes a time when parents need to be there for advice when their child asks for it, but cut the lines so that the child doesn't feel like they have to do everything their parents want or they are a horrible child. Let the child step out. Let them make their own decisions. The parent needs to trust themself, knowing that they really did all they could to teach their child and have faith that the child learned what was taught and will use that wisdom to make the decisions they have in their life.

Until later, MOPS

A Date!

I asked a guy out on a date to go to the movies because I have a gift certificate. I finally decided to take things into my own hands since I haven't gone on a real date since BYU---and that was a while ago.

He didn't seem to mind that I asked him out. We are going out this Friday night. He hasn't called me and so I don't know what movie we are going to see . . . but I hope it's a good one! He seems really nice. I met him at FHE at my Uncle's singles ward. I am a little old for that ward, but I think that I've met some really good people.

The senior missionaries from the institute are taking me to the activities.

I hope this guy doesn't pass out when he finds out that I am 34 and not younger than 30 to be going to his singles activities. tee hee hee.

Until later, MOPS

I dreamed a dream

This woman is amazing. This is an example of how we can be surprised by people when we make judgements. This is Susan Boyle and she is from Scotland. She is 47 and on the show "Britain's Got Talent." She has never been on a date nor has she ever been kissed by a boy. She has the voice of a truly trained master! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
Until later, MOPS

Happy Birthday to me

I can't believe that I am now 34 years old. I have some goals to work on. I want to become independent from this house and move away. I want to lose 100 lbs this year. I want to start dating again. I want to get on better terms with my parents and grandparents. So that's about it. Good luck to me. -MOPS

Venting

Prior to moving in to Loma Residential, the owners assured me a vegetarian diet, rides to & from all of my appointments, a regular haircut and a bus pass. But unfortunately, they completely lied. Last night my counseling appointment wasn't until 7pm and Mike, the owner, said it was too late---even though he'd known about the appointment for 3 weeks or more. So, I missed the appointment and wasn't able to reschedule it . . . until a month from now.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in La Mesa. It's four blocks from my parents house. Mary, the lady who works for Mike was taking me to the appointment but at the spur of the moment said she couldn't pick me up afterwards. I thought maybe I could walk to mom and dad's house afterwards, maybe hang out a while to postpone returning to this place as long as I possibly could. I thought maybe they'd be willing to take back. But when the owner found out my plan, he called my mom and dad and forbade them the take me home because I need "to learn independence." Gee. After living serving a mission in Dallas and living out of state for nearly 10 years . . . graduated with my bachelors, started my Masters . . . cooked, grocery shopped, cleaned, played, went to church, drove provided my own transportation everywhere by walking, driving or ride my bike everywhere . . .I need to learn independence? It's called using your resources. What do they think I am STUPID? So I looked up San Diego public transit but the San Diego bus Internet site doesn't include La Mesa even though buses and trolleys go through the city all the time. OH I'M SO MAD! So I called the transit line and all they do is give bus or trolley or coaster routes. None of them mixed like taking the bus to the trolley and then getting on another bus and nothing in La Mesa. MY LIFE SUCKS AND I HATE LIVING IT!

So, just so I can "make my own decisions and be independent," forget the San Diego Transit! Mike hasn't bought me a monthly  bus pass since I moved in here! I'm going to get some exercise and ride my bike from near the College area to La Mesa blvd. It's only a seven mile round-trip. Who cares if I die of a heart attack because my heart rate gets too elevated due to exercise (thanks to one med I took which caused tachycardia). I certainly don't care!

Since I was diagnosed with something in March of '98 I have always taken all my meds as prescribed---everyday. I've never self medicated with drugs or alcohol. I've always tried to make good decisions as best I possibly can, yet my life is CRAP! I don't even remotely do any of the things that many other Bipolar or schizophrenic people do. I don't sell my body or have multiple sex partners. I've been having ECT since Dec. 2007! Nearly weekly if not more often! Now I can't even remember working at the temple or going out with Judy for ice cream unless I wrote about it in my journal. Even then I don't remember it. I just read about it in my journal and think, "huh, I wrote it . . . I guess it's true." I can't remember my mission, I can't remember going to BYU or Ricks. My education is completely lost! Now I'm stuck at this horrible group home where all who live here do all day is watch TV and fight about changing channels. Oh that's productive! That really teaches them how to live with their illnesses! It really teaches them independence! I HAVE TO MOVE somewhere I won't be around people who think I need to learn independence & learn how to take care of myself. When I'm really sick, I know it! I call my Dr or my nurse or I go to the hospital. Most people who have my illness don't even recognize that they are ill. Many don't know how to take care of themselves. They quit taking their meds after a month or two because they either feel better or the meds aren't working so what's the point?

I'm jealous of my brothers and their families. They can remember their education. They found the woman of their dreams and have silly kids. I'm know they have their own trials . . . but they don't involve suicidal voices, intrusive thoughts, depression, living under someone else's roof and not having the liberty to leave when they want. They can choose what they want for a meal. If they want a glass of milk they won't get in trouble for it---because they have more than ONE gallon per month for 8 people! Yeah, that's getting my calcium content for the day/week/month.

I've had so much ECT I can't remember what I learned on my mission---if I learned anything and I can only kind of remember high school. Before that . . . it's spotty. My prayers go completely unheard and unanswered. It's useless. My in patient Dr and the owner of this house, Mike, are completely controlling my life. Mike thinks I'm such a sicko that I have to give Mike 24 hours notice before I go anywhere---even with my family. He's like the evil step-dad I never had. What's worse, my mom and dad think everything my Dr or Mike says is right and should be followed to the "t". They can't even make decisions on their own . . . so why allow me? I tell them that I don't want ECT any more because it's not working and my mom says, "but you have a smile on your face and you took a shower!" Oh yeah, that's how I look everyday! They all must think I am the most stupid, imbecilic, incapable person to ever have existed mortally. They feel they can judge my capacity by my immediate appearance! So what if I've cried myself to sleep nearly every single night for the past several weeks? They don't even notice the good things I do or even my life compared to someone else who has this illness. Gee, I wonder if I started living like others both who I know or have read about if my parents would realize how good they had it when I was living my standards!-MOPS

The List

My dad gave me the advice (twice) to make a gratitude journal. I have been working on it. He said that when I am feeling bad I should review it . . . perhaps hourly. So, since I am feeling completely terrible right now I have decided to transfer my log to this post.
1. I am grateful for my parents.
2. I am grateful for my doctors and my counselor.
3. I am grateful I can read.
4. I am grateful for my lifetime of great friends.
5. I'm grateful I don't smoke or drink and never have.
6. I'm grateful for my glasses.
7. I am grateful for my grandparents and that I have had the opportunity to get to know them.
8. I'm grateful my Grandpa is a Sealer and I hope that one day I will find a great, loving, nonjudgmental, priesthood holder that my Grandpa can Seal me to.
9. I'm grateful for the people who work on CAP 2. (That's the hospital unit I am usually sent to.)
10. I am grateful I have my own room.
11. I'm grateful I can volunteer in Senora Alvarez's 2nd grade class.
12. I'm grateful that I have a bus pass.
13. I am grateful and miss David and Judy Peterson and pray that they will be safe and have fun on their mission in Madagascar.
14. I'm grateful for my friendships and admire my professors from BYU, Dean Hughes, Colleen Whitley and Don Norton.
15. I'm grateful for my mom and all she tries and does for me. I wish I could communicate with her better.
16. I'm grateful for my dad and that he holds the Priesthood and I wish that I could communicate with him better, too.
17. I'm grateful that I had a car and the freedom that went with it for as long as I did.
18. I'm grateful for my new Bishop and his wife, who's my visiting teacher.
19. I'm grateful for my brothers, Klint and Jeff and for their wives and all their healthy kids.
20.I'm grateful that Sharla and Jeff are expecting!
21. I'm grateful for the strength that I have for having gone through the temple and pray that I can remember it and hold onto it so that I won't get suicidal anymore.
22. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and wish I could be with him.
23. I'm grateful that Christ died for each of us, so that not only can we be resurrected but He also understands us and gives us the opportunity to take the Sacrament.
24. I'm grateful for President Monson, his counselors and the Quorum of the 12.
25. I'm grateful for my patriarchal blessing and wish that I could understand it better and take comfort in it.
26. I'm grateful I have comfortable shoes.
27. I'm grateful for my bike and that I get to ride it.
28. I'm grateful for the people who work at this house who drive me almost everywhere.
29. I'm grateful that I fought on the right side in the pre-existence and made it to this world to be tested. My test is HARD. I don't understand it and it frustrates me to no end . . . but the Father trusts me enough to give it to me and I WILL pass this test!
30. I'm grateful for my mission president, President Hanks and his wife, Sister Hanks and their testimonies.
31. I believe I will find the man of my dreams in this life and be sealed and have a family.
32.I am grateful for Carol Beachley and all she's taught me as a Laurel advisor. I'm grateful I could help her with her paper route. I'm grateful she got me involved in ASL. I'm grateful for all the rides she gave me growing up. I'm grateful for her nonjudgmental ways and I'm grateful that she took care of me and my brothers so often growing up when my parents went out of town---along with all her kids.
33. I'm grateful when I have a good perspective and strive to have one more often.
34. I'm grateful when I can see the hand of the Lord in my life.
35. I'm grateful I'm not persecuted for being a member of the church.
36. I'm grateful when I have the ability to make good decisions and do.
37. I'm grateful for my Aunt Chris and her family. I'm grateful for all the rides she's given me and for her willingness to understand me.
38. I'm grateful to those who give me a hug when I go to church.
39. I'm grateful to Sue and for her willingness to cook for us.
40. I'm grateful that I got to go to Young Women's Camp Milabee and for all the fun I had learning the lessons, getting to know the leaders and singing my heart out. (And I wish I could remember the songs.)
41. I'm grateful I got to go to Ricks and BYU and graduate from both.
42. I'm grateful I was accepted to a great MFA in Creative Writing and wish that I had the funds to do it. But will probably do it later in life.
43. I'm grateful for Elder and Sister North and for their love and rides.
44. I am grateful for family home evening.
45. I'm grateful I learned the Cha-Cha last Monday night with some really great partners.
46. I'm grateful for my meds and wish that they worked better.
47. I'm grateful for all the vacations I have gone on and hope to continue to see the world.
48. I'm grateful I can speak Spanish and know American Sign Language.
49. I'm grateful that I have been keeping a journal for so long since I have a rotten memory.
50. I'm grateful that I served a mission in Dallas, Texas---met so many wonderful people and helped several gain testimonies of Christ and get baptized or reactivated.
51. I'm grateful for the scriptures and plan on reading them more often.
52. I'm grateful I got to work at the temple here in San Diego as an Ordinance Worker and also in the recording office and in the laundry.
53. I'm grateful for my letter from President Monson.
54. I'm grateful I got to go to EFY so many times and share my testimony with my friend who later became baptized and sealed in the temple to a wonderful husband and great kids.
55. I'm happy for all the times I was able to pull a prank on a friend . . . and laugh with them about it.
56. I'm grateful I have short hair that I really don't have to worry about.
57. I'm grateful for all the times I got to have a friend spend the night, stay up talking and stregthen our friendship. I miss that.
58. I'm grateful for friends who call or write me an email just to see how I'm doing.
59. I'm grateful I have a dentist.
60. I'm grateful for all the good books I've read.
61. I'm grateful for all my seminary teachers, religion teachers, primary teachers, Sunday School teachers and Young Womens' advisors.
I'll continue this later.

There is a student in the class that I am volunteering at and he has a hard time too. I told him about my list and even let him read some of it. I told him to make his own list. We started it together with things like: his grandma's cooking, his skateboard, his laptop and a list of about 15 things. We're both working on feeling better. I hope his list helps him out.

Until later, MOPS

Second Graders

Recently I started volunteering at the Language Academy which is near my house. I am working in a Second Grade classroom and they are learning Spanish. they study topics in Spanish and I am learning a lot.

The kids are so much fun! I forgot how fun it was to be a kid. There are several kids who come up to me when I arrive and they give me a big hug. (Which is exactly what I need.) We have fun playing on the playground and jumping rope. Yesterday the music teacher came and let everyone play on her trumpet. He had 4 mouthpieces and a jar of alcohol. SO She soaked every mouthpiece after it was used and every kid got the chance to try . . . including me. I was by far the loudest since I have the largest lung capacity. It was hilarious!

Today I went out to eat with my telecare worker. I had Sushi. It was probably the third time I've ever had sushi. The first time I was with a bunch of friends. I thought the green stuff they give you with your order was avocado. WRONG! I practically melted my entire mouth and throat! Boy!

Well, I hope you're all doing well. I'm getting my picture taken tomorrow as a volunteer for the school. I don't know if I will get a copy or if it is just for the school. Who knows. I guess I had better dress nice for the picture. :)

Until later, MOPS

Happy New Year!

Hello! I have some friends who are serving a mission in Madagascar and they are inspiring me to work more often on this blog. I really have nothing to say except that I was moved into a group home called Loma Residential. For the first time in my life since I lived with family, I'm living with a male. Some how I'm the only one who thinks this is odd. Talk about strange.

Saturday I went bowling and the highest score that I got was a 71! WaHOO!

Tonight I got to go to my Aunt Chris' house and eat dinner and also we got to watch the CES fireside President Monson spoke at tonight at BYU. It was so good. I think the world of President Monson.

Recently I have really been having a hard time and I really need to work on reorganizing some things in my life. I have a lot to do, but I guess we all do.

Tonight President Monson talked a lot about "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I think Im going to go to the library tomorrow and check it out. It sounds like a good book. I've heard Dickens was a great author, I've probably read him before. I think I'm also going to check out some Wadsworth. It seems like President Monson is always quoting Wadsworth or Longfellow, along with the scriptures of course.

I also think I'm going to see if I can act as a volunteer at the SDSU institute. We'll see.

Love you! Until later, MOPS

Hello again!

Oh I am SO excited! I just met the neatest young woman and if everything works out as planned, I will be her new roommate! I HOPE and PRAY everything works out! My housing situation right now isn't the best and I really need to get out of here.

Yesterday I went and talked to my counselor. He is a wonderful man and he is a member of the LDS church, so I don't have to filter out everything we talk about and explain my culture. He agreed with me that I need to find a new place to live. We had a great conversation.

This new house I might get to move into is only about 3-4 blocks from my Dr's office. SO I will be able to ride my bike or walk. I will actually get to have a shelf for my food. She said maybe sometimes we could make dinner together which I would love because I hate making dinner for myself and then having so many left overs.

I got an email from Hamline University and they said all of my application materials are turned in except the letters of reccommendation. But today I got a letter from one of my favorite teachers and she said that she'd just mailed it in. So now I just need to wait for the other professor to mail in his. I SO hope I get accepted and that the grant comes through so I can start in Jan. I think I will learn a lot in this program. Anyway, I had better get to bed. Night all! -MOPS

Boy It's been a long time!

Hello all! I had completely forgotten about this blog! But I'm back. My friend Sharla inspired me. There is a lot going on in my life right now. I am looking to move and looking for a good place to move into. My living experiences since October have been pretty scary. But . . . I guess that's what I get for not fully interviewing the people that I am going to live with. So right now I am considering living in El Cajon. We'll see about that. I was going to live with my friend Chrissy, but her other roommate is moving out and We'd have to pay for her rent too, if we didn't find a girl to take her place. SO I am off to look for a place to live. Pray for me.
-MOPS

going to New York

I am so excited to go to NY! I am scared out of my goard to go to NY! I finally get to go and see my brother and his family for the first time in over a year. But I have to meet my brother at a bus station next to Grand Central Station. I am not sure where he is going to be, where I am going to be, what the weather is going to be like and where I could be headed. Other than that, I am so excited to go. I am a little stressed. I mean, I've never been there before and I hope that I don't freak out. I have been pretty stable for the past month, but with the added stress of all the unknowns, I am a little worried. I have to keep it together though. I must! My paranoia has ben acting up and all I need to do is freak out about the people taking notes on me and then I will be headed in the wrong direction. I must stay focused and just enjoy myself. Yippee! I am going to New York!
-MOPS