I'd drop you a line and let you know what's happening. I went to a S.A. conference over this past weekend
and I got to hang out with some very quality people. I actually only went to Sunday & Monday's activities, but it was great. I got to sit next to a guy named Dave that I've been interested in for more than a
year, but who I rarely get to see. His parents are in my Sacrament meetings because I interpret for the Deaf Branch which meets with that ward. He is a good man. We hung out after the conference at my house
so that I could help him with a project for his dad and yesterday we went to the beach party and walked alone along the surf. Tonight he made reservations for us at a Chinese restaurant and I am peacefully
excited (how's that for an oxymoron??) to go out with him.
He understands my situation in a way that others really can't. In 1999 dr's discovered he had a brain tumor. When he told me that was put on the same anti-seizure medication that I've been on (because drs use
anti-seizures as mood regulators as well), I said, "man! That stuff is like taking an elephant tranquilzer!" He looked at me, surprised and said, "IT IS!! How do you know that?" So I told him a little (very brief, edited version . . . I know, you're surprised I can make anything brief!) about my journey and realized he was getting teary eyed, so I stopped. He just looked at me and whispered, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He's the youngest of 5 sisters and really knows how to treat a lady. We discussed for a bit how
demoralizing it is to have personal expectations and the expectations of others shattered because illness/meds at times make it impossible to function. Consequently, he understands why I need to go to bed early and why my medication is so important, but also understands what can happen if I ever get switched to a med that may not allow me to function at the level I am right now.
He is divorced. Evidently the cancer took the a very strong toll on his previous relationship. I get it. I mean the stress of having your spouse have an inopperable brain tumor for four years while he's on an
elephant tranquilizer, having grand mal seizures and sleeping 18 hours a day would stress a lot of people out. He was frustrated with her because she was emotionally building a wall and she was building a
wall because he had stage four cancer. They fell apart. They have four kids, ages 16, 14 and 12 (twins). He was finally placed with a new neurologist about who searched at conferences and journals to find a
surgeon for Dave. Finally, she found one. He had the tumor removed in 2004 (i think) and has been cancer and seizure free ever since. His kids still physically live with his ex-wife, but since they all live here in San Diego, he gets to see his kids at least weekly. The surgery entailed removing part of his right temporal lobe, one of the same spots that was severely effected by my own shock treatments. We understand one another in a way that not many people can when it comes to executive functioning (a huge word psychiatric and neurologists use to drape over the canopy of tasks that involve multitasking, scheduling, mathematical computations, memory and complex problem solving.) We've had the most interesting discussions and I really get the feeling that I'm liking the guy. In my conversations with him over the past year there haven't been any red flags. It's very obvious that he is an avid temple attendee and loving dad. Plus he opened my door and then looked at me and asked, "Is it okay with you that I open your doors?" I told him I preferred that he did.
I know he may not be my man, who knows, only time and our Father in Heaven. But at least he gives me the hope that there are good men out there who will be able to accept me warts and all.
I've been so blessed. I look back at my life and if two years ago you or anyone else would have told me I would have finished my first year of going to grad school full-time (with a cumulative GPA of
3.9), living in an environment that was safe, secure and fun, and truly enjoying life, I would have just burst into tears and said, "I wish!"
About Me
- Sarah
- I was born and raised in San Diego. Currently I'm a grad student at SDSU (class of 2013) studying Rehabilitation Counseling to help people with disabilities get the accessability and accomodations they need to achieve their potential! I'm an alum of Helix High, Rick's College & BYU. Yes, I'm a Mormon & I served a mission in The Texas Dallas Spanish/ASL Mission. Although it wasn't always true, I'm now successfully living with Schizoaffective Disorder. I've been blessed with a great family and many friends. Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Spring 2011 grades!!
I just got my grades and I got 2 A's and 2 A-!!! I cannot
believe it!! If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd be
in grad school, taking more than one class at a time . . . let alone
acing them, I would have laughed them to scorn!! I can't believe it. I
am so excited!!
believe it!! If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd be
in grad school, taking more than one class at a time . . . let alone
acing them, I would have laughed them to scorn!! I can't believe it. I
am so excited!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Fun at the Movies!
Okay, so when I was younger I liked to go to the movies. Watching the movies was always enjoyable, but I really enjoyed making the audience laugh, and my friends die of embarassment.
I used to stand up before the movie started and get the entire theater to sing Happy Birthday to one of my unsuspecting friends. I don't know if it was ever really their birthday and I honestly I don't ever remember having done it, but one of my friends and his wife like to remind me of it now and again. (You know who you are and this entry is for you!! LOL). I think I did it on more than once and to more than one friend. I'll have to take a poll among my dear readers.
Anyway, a friend today posted a video that made me smile. It's one where a man proposes to his girlfreind via the theater. It made me remember all the times I've heard stories about myself getting all the audiences to sing Happy Birthday. I thouhgt I'd share it with you. -MOPS
I used to stand up before the movie started and get the entire theater to sing Happy Birthday to one of my unsuspecting friends. I don't know if it was ever really their birthday and I honestly I don't ever remember having done it, but one of my friends and his wife like to remind me of it now and again. (You know who you are and this entry is for you!! LOL). I think I did it on more than once and to more than one friend. I'll have to take a poll among my dear readers.
Anyway, a friend today posted a video that made me smile. It's one where a man proposes to his girlfreind via the theater. It made me remember all the times I've heard stories about myself getting all the audiences to sing Happy Birthday. I thouhgt I'd share it with you. -MOPS
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Reality Check :)
Okay, so this is actually something I wrote for a class . . . The topic was "why are people with mental illnesses treated so harshly?"
In my opinion, people with mental illness have been treated in such harsh ways is because, until recently, their illness cannot be explained in a way that everyday people can understand.
Mental illness is an invisible disability. As far as people are concerned, if a person doesn't act in a way that their family, friends or peers feel is appropriate . . . those groups of people try to rationalize why the person is acting in that way. Since they aren't dealing with a visible disability, the peers, family and friends have to create a context that will allow them understand how to help the person. For example, if a diabetic were acting disoriented and having trouble responding to questions, unreasonably silly or maybe quick to anger a person who is familiar with their diagnosis may ask that diabetic person it they need to test their blood, get them something to eat rectifying the situation. Whereas if that same diabetic were pulled over by a cop, the cop might submit the person to a breathalyzer test before anything else, assuming the person was drunk.
If I walked into an ER with the same symptoms and they found out about my illness, they would probably attribute it to my illness without even thinking (for whatever reason) I might have a low blood sugar. When a person with mental illness has the same problem . . . because there is no real way for their peers, family, friends or even doctors and counselors to immediately help, they feel inadequate and want to blame it on something, but can only blame it on the illness. Medically speaking, there is no immediate gratification for helping someone with a mental illness. There isn't even immediate gratification for the person with the illness to get treatment since it takes at least two weeks to a month for current medicines to BEGIN working . . . if they are on the right meds.
Because the large majority of the world is able to change their own perspective and motivation by merely thinking about it and resolving to change, they assume everyone can do it the same way. When people with chemical imbalances come into play (creating a more difficult barrier to change), those who can change their life by simply resolving to do so can't understand or explain why others without that ability don't simply resolve to do so. The person without the chemical imbalance thinks to themselves, shaking their head at the mentally ill person, “All you have to do is think positively and you’ll be happy! Focus on the positive! Focus on your gratitude! Focus on the happy things! Do that and you’ll feel better, I do!” I mean it IS difficult for nonchemically challenged people to change their thinking and at times find motivation sufficient to do things. However because it’s difficult for the nonchemically challenged to recognize and change their behavior, they assume all others live with that same level of difficulty. It isn't the same level. The chemical imbalance makes thinking positively and rationally extremely more difficult. Although thinking positively can help anyone to some degree, it takes a LOT more work than simply thinking positive thoughts to help people with a mental illness. I don't want to discredit the importance of positive thoughts alone, but they do not have the same impact for someone with a chemical imbalance and therefore cannot work as effectively as they do for people without a chemical imbalance.
It's kind of like in that previous example with the diabetic. I cannot walk up to a diabetic and tell them to think "raise my blood sugar" over and over again with any medically significant change. If anything, telling them to do that is wasting precious time where I really should be looking for some juice or sugar to help before they get into worse trouble.
It's difficult internal battle for a person experiencing symptoms of mental illness. Frequently people with a diagnosable mental illness don't seek treatment because they grew up learning the enitre "mind over matter" concept. Believing that if they changed their perspective and worked harder they could accomplish anything on their own.
For example, when I started becoming more clear in thought, my parents said they recognized a huge change in my level of gratitude. They’ve told me on more than one occasion that the reason I am better is because I started having an attitude of gratitude, instead of focusing so much on what I didn’t have. Really, I had made lists and lists of things that I was grateful for throughout the 12 years of my intense illness. I could make lists all day and all night of the things for which I was grateful. In an effort to believe it, I could make (and did make) lists of why I should not kill myself. However, no matter how long those lists grew, it didn’t turn off the woman’s voice in my head telling me nothing on that list outweighed or even remotely offset the level of my burden to those around me who would be much happier, better off and relieved if I were gone. I had a chemical imbalance. Rationality didn’t work.
When rational thought doesn't work, people around who have no problem with rational thought are baffled and ultimately scared.
If you were out for an evening run and glanced at a person farther the street, you would have no way to know if that person had a mental illness. Let's say they were well dressed and groomed pacing, appeared agitated and talking aloud to no one you could see. You would probably just assume they had a bad day and were talking to someone on their bluetooth phone about it. However, if the person wasn't well kept and in the same situation, you would assume they are mentally ill and quickly cross the street to avoid them. Forget the fact that in either case the person really is upset and talking to a real someone. Maybe the well dressed person is talking to a very real hallucination and the unkept person missed his flight, had to sleep over at the airport the night before and is angry at the prospect of doing it again while trying to schedule his next flight . . . on his bluetooth!
People treat others harshly because they don't take the time to understand them. Plain and simple.
What do you think?
-MOPS
p.s. I really like bluetooth ear buds because now it's completely acceptable for people to talk aloud when no one is around them. Unconsciously, I do it all the time. LOL!
In my opinion, people with mental illness have been treated in such harsh ways is because, until recently, their illness cannot be explained in a way that everyday people can understand.
Mental illness is an invisible disability. As far as people are concerned, if a person doesn't act in a way that their family, friends or peers feel is appropriate . . . those groups of people try to rationalize why the person is acting in that way. Since they aren't dealing with a visible disability, the peers, family and friends have to create a context that will allow them understand how to help the person. For example, if a diabetic were acting disoriented and having trouble responding to questions, unreasonably silly or maybe quick to anger a person who is familiar with their diagnosis may ask that diabetic person it they need to test their blood, get them something to eat rectifying the situation. Whereas if that same diabetic were pulled over by a cop, the cop might submit the person to a breathalyzer test before anything else, assuming the person was drunk.
If I walked into an ER with the same symptoms and they found out about my illness, they would probably attribute it to my illness without even thinking (for whatever reason) I might have a low blood sugar. When a person with mental illness has the same problem . . . because there is no real way for their peers, family, friends or even doctors and counselors to immediately help, they feel inadequate and want to blame it on something, but can only blame it on the illness. Medically speaking, there is no immediate gratification for helping someone with a mental illness. There isn't even immediate gratification for the person with the illness to get treatment since it takes at least two weeks to a month for current medicines to BEGIN working . . . if they are on the right meds.
Because the large majority of the world is able to change their own perspective and motivation by merely thinking about it and resolving to change, they assume everyone can do it the same way. When people with chemical imbalances come into play (creating a more difficult barrier to change), those who can change their life by simply resolving to do so can't understand or explain why others without that ability don't simply resolve to do so. The person without the chemical imbalance thinks to themselves, shaking their head at the mentally ill person, “All you have to do is think positively and you’ll be happy! Focus on the positive! Focus on your gratitude! Focus on the happy things! Do that and you’ll feel better, I do!” I mean it IS difficult for nonchemically challenged people to change their thinking and at times find motivation sufficient to do things. However because it’s difficult for the nonchemically challenged to recognize and change their behavior, they assume all others live with that same level of difficulty. It isn't the same level. The chemical imbalance makes thinking positively and rationally extremely more difficult. Although thinking positively can help anyone to some degree, it takes a LOT more work than simply thinking positive thoughts to help people with a mental illness. I don't want to discredit the importance of positive thoughts alone, but they do not have the same impact for someone with a chemical imbalance and therefore cannot work as effectively as they do for people without a chemical imbalance.
It's kind of like in that previous example with the diabetic. I cannot walk up to a diabetic and tell them to think "raise my blood sugar" over and over again with any medically significant change. If anything, telling them to do that is wasting precious time where I really should be looking for some juice or sugar to help before they get into worse trouble.
It's difficult internal battle for a person experiencing symptoms of mental illness. Frequently people with a diagnosable mental illness don't seek treatment because they grew up learning the enitre "mind over matter" concept. Believing that if they changed their perspective and worked harder they could accomplish anything on their own.
For example, when I started becoming more clear in thought, my parents said they recognized a huge change in my level of gratitude. They’ve told me on more than one occasion that the reason I am better is because I started having an attitude of gratitude, instead of focusing so much on what I didn’t have. Really, I had made lists and lists of things that I was grateful for throughout the 12 years of my intense illness. I could make lists all day and all night of the things for which I was grateful. In an effort to believe it, I could make (and did make) lists of why I should not kill myself. However, no matter how long those lists grew, it didn’t turn off the woman’s voice in my head telling me nothing on that list outweighed or even remotely offset the level of my burden to those around me who would be much happier, better off and relieved if I were gone. I had a chemical imbalance. Rationality didn’t work.
When rational thought doesn't work, people around who have no problem with rational thought are baffled and ultimately scared.
If you were out for an evening run and glanced at a person farther the street, you would have no way to know if that person had a mental illness. Let's say they were well dressed and groomed pacing, appeared agitated and talking aloud to no one you could see. You would probably just assume they had a bad day and were talking to someone on their bluetooth phone about it. However, if the person wasn't well kept and in the same situation, you would assume they are mentally ill and quickly cross the street to avoid them. Forget the fact that in either case the person really is upset and talking to a real someone. Maybe the well dressed person is talking to a very real hallucination and the unkept person missed his flight, had to sleep over at the airport the night before and is angry at the prospect of doing it again while trying to schedule his next flight . . . on his bluetooth!
People treat others harshly because they don't take the time to understand them. Plain and simple.
What do you think?
-MOPS
p.s. I really like bluetooth ear buds because now it's completely acceptable for people to talk aloud when no one is around them. Unconsciously, I do it all the time. LOL!
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