Happy Birthday to me

I can't believe that I am now 34 years old. I have some goals to work on. I want to become independent from this house and move away. I want to lose 100 lbs this year. I want to start dating again. I want to get on better terms with my parents and grandparents. So that's about it. Good luck to me. -MOPS

Venting

Prior to moving in to Loma Residential, the owners assured me a vegetarian diet, rides to & from all of my appointments, a regular haircut and a bus pass. But unfortunately, they completely lied. Last night my counseling appointment wasn't until 7pm and Mike, the owner, said it was too late---even though he'd known about the appointment for 3 weeks or more. So, I missed the appointment and wasn't able to reschedule it . . . until a month from now.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in La Mesa. It's four blocks from my parents house. Mary, the lady who works for Mike was taking me to the appointment but at the spur of the moment said she couldn't pick me up afterwards. I thought maybe I could walk to mom and dad's house afterwards, maybe hang out a while to postpone returning to this place as long as I possibly could. I thought maybe they'd be willing to take back. But when the owner found out my plan, he called my mom and dad and forbade them the take me home because I need "to learn independence." Gee. After living serving a mission in Dallas and living out of state for nearly 10 years . . . graduated with my bachelors, started my Masters . . . cooked, grocery shopped, cleaned, played, went to church, drove provided my own transportation everywhere by walking, driving or ride my bike everywhere . . .I need to learn independence? It's called using your resources. What do they think I am STUPID? So I looked up San Diego public transit but the San Diego bus Internet site doesn't include La Mesa even though buses and trolleys go through the city all the time. OH I'M SO MAD! So I called the transit line and all they do is give bus or trolley or coaster routes. None of them mixed like taking the bus to the trolley and then getting on another bus and nothing in La Mesa. MY LIFE SUCKS AND I HATE LIVING IT!

So, just so I can "make my own decisions and be independent," forget the San Diego Transit! Mike hasn't bought me a monthly  bus pass since I moved in here! I'm going to get some exercise and ride my bike from near the College area to La Mesa blvd. It's only a seven mile round-trip. Who cares if I die of a heart attack because my heart rate gets too elevated due to exercise (thanks to one med I took which caused tachycardia). I certainly don't care!

Since I was diagnosed with something in March of '98 I have always taken all my meds as prescribed---everyday. I've never self medicated with drugs or alcohol. I've always tried to make good decisions as best I possibly can, yet my life is CRAP! I don't even remotely do any of the things that many other Bipolar or schizophrenic people do. I don't sell my body or have multiple sex partners. I've been having ECT since Dec. 2007! Nearly weekly if not more often! Now I can't even remember working at the temple or going out with Judy for ice cream unless I wrote about it in my journal. Even then I don't remember it. I just read about it in my journal and think, "huh, I wrote it . . . I guess it's true." I can't remember my mission, I can't remember going to BYU or Ricks. My education is completely lost! Now I'm stuck at this horrible group home where all who live here do all day is watch TV and fight about changing channels. Oh that's productive! That really teaches them how to live with their illnesses! It really teaches them independence! I HAVE TO MOVE somewhere I won't be around people who think I need to learn independence & learn how to take care of myself. When I'm really sick, I know it! I call my Dr or my nurse or I go to the hospital. Most people who have my illness don't even recognize that they are ill. Many don't know how to take care of themselves. They quit taking their meds after a month or two because they either feel better or the meds aren't working so what's the point?

I'm jealous of my brothers and their families. They can remember their education. They found the woman of their dreams and have silly kids. I'm know they have their own trials . . . but they don't involve suicidal voices, intrusive thoughts, depression, living under someone else's roof and not having the liberty to leave when they want. They can choose what they want for a meal. If they want a glass of milk they won't get in trouble for it---because they have more than ONE gallon per month for 8 people! Yeah, that's getting my calcium content for the day/week/month.

I've had so much ECT I can't remember what I learned on my mission---if I learned anything and I can only kind of remember high school. Before that . . . it's spotty. My prayers go completely unheard and unanswered. It's useless. My in patient Dr and the owner of this house, Mike, are completely controlling my life. Mike thinks I'm such a sicko that I have to give Mike 24 hours notice before I go anywhere---even with my family. He's like the evil step-dad I never had. What's worse, my mom and dad think everything my Dr or Mike says is right and should be followed to the "t". They can't even make decisions on their own . . . so why allow me? I tell them that I don't want ECT any more because it's not working and my mom says, "but you have a smile on your face and you took a shower!" Oh yeah, that's how I look everyday! They all must think I am the most stupid, imbecilic, incapable person to ever have existed mortally. They feel they can judge my capacity by my immediate appearance! So what if I've cried myself to sleep nearly every single night for the past several weeks? They don't even notice the good things I do or even my life compared to someone else who has this illness. Gee, I wonder if I started living like others both who I know or have read about if my parents would realize how good they had it when I was living my standards!-MOPS

The List

My dad gave me the advice (twice) to make a gratitude journal. I have been working on it. He said that when I am feeling bad I should review it . . . perhaps hourly. So, since I am feeling completely terrible right now I have decided to transfer my log to this post.
1. I am grateful for my parents.
2. I am grateful for my doctors and my counselor.
3. I am grateful I can read.
4. I am grateful for my lifetime of great friends.
5. I'm grateful I don't smoke or drink and never have.
6. I'm grateful for my glasses.
7. I am grateful for my grandparents and that I have had the opportunity to get to know them.
8. I'm grateful my Grandpa is a Sealer and I hope that one day I will find a great, loving, nonjudgmental, priesthood holder that my Grandpa can Seal me to.
9. I'm grateful for the people who work on CAP 2. (That's the hospital unit I am usually sent to.)
10. I am grateful I have my own room.
11. I'm grateful I can volunteer in Senora Alvarez's 2nd grade class.
12. I'm grateful that I have a bus pass.
13. I am grateful and miss David and Judy Peterson and pray that they will be safe and have fun on their mission in Madagascar.
14. I'm grateful for my friendships and admire my professors from BYU, Dean Hughes, Colleen Whitley and Don Norton.
15. I'm grateful for my mom and all she tries and does for me. I wish I could communicate with her better.
16. I'm grateful for my dad and that he holds the Priesthood and I wish that I could communicate with him better, too.
17. I'm grateful that I had a car and the freedom that went with it for as long as I did.
18. I'm grateful for my new Bishop and his wife, who's my visiting teacher.
19. I'm grateful for my brothers, Klint and Jeff and for their wives and all their healthy kids.
20.I'm grateful that Sharla and Jeff are expecting!
21. I'm grateful for the strength that I have for having gone through the temple and pray that I can remember it and hold onto it so that I won't get suicidal anymore.
22. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and wish I could be with him.
23. I'm grateful that Christ died for each of us, so that not only can we be resurrected but He also understands us and gives us the opportunity to take the Sacrament.
24. I'm grateful for President Monson, his counselors and the Quorum of the 12.
25. I'm grateful for my patriarchal blessing and wish that I could understand it better and take comfort in it.
26. I'm grateful I have comfortable shoes.
27. I'm grateful for my bike and that I get to ride it.
28. I'm grateful for the people who work at this house who drive me almost everywhere.
29. I'm grateful that I fought on the right side in the pre-existence and made it to this world to be tested. My test is HARD. I don't understand it and it frustrates me to no end . . . but the Father trusts me enough to give it to me and I WILL pass this test!
30. I'm grateful for my mission president, President Hanks and his wife, Sister Hanks and their testimonies.
31. I believe I will find the man of my dreams in this life and be sealed and have a family.
32.I am grateful for Carol Beachley and all she's taught me as a Laurel advisor. I'm grateful I could help her with her paper route. I'm grateful she got me involved in ASL. I'm grateful for all the rides she gave me growing up. I'm grateful for her nonjudgmental ways and I'm grateful that she took care of me and my brothers so often growing up when my parents went out of town---along with all her kids.
33. I'm grateful when I have a good perspective and strive to have one more often.
34. I'm grateful when I can see the hand of the Lord in my life.
35. I'm grateful I'm not persecuted for being a member of the church.
36. I'm grateful when I have the ability to make good decisions and do.
37. I'm grateful for my Aunt Chris and her family. I'm grateful for all the rides she's given me and for her willingness to understand me.
38. I'm grateful to those who give me a hug when I go to church.
39. I'm grateful to Sue and for her willingness to cook for us.
40. I'm grateful that I got to go to Young Women's Camp Milabee and for all the fun I had learning the lessons, getting to know the leaders and singing my heart out. (And I wish I could remember the songs.)
41. I'm grateful I got to go to Ricks and BYU and graduate from both.
42. I'm grateful I was accepted to a great MFA in Creative Writing and wish that I had the funds to do it. But will probably do it later in life.
43. I'm grateful for Elder and Sister North and for their love and rides.
44. I am grateful for family home evening.
45. I'm grateful I learned the Cha-Cha last Monday night with some really great partners.
46. I'm grateful for my meds and wish that they worked better.
47. I'm grateful for all the vacations I have gone on and hope to continue to see the world.
48. I'm grateful I can speak Spanish and know American Sign Language.
49. I'm grateful that I have been keeping a journal for so long since I have a rotten memory.
50. I'm grateful that I served a mission in Dallas, Texas---met so many wonderful people and helped several gain testimonies of Christ and get baptized or reactivated.
51. I'm grateful for the scriptures and plan on reading them more often.
52. I'm grateful I got to work at the temple here in San Diego as an Ordinance Worker and also in the recording office and in the laundry.
53. I'm grateful for my letter from President Monson.
54. I'm grateful I got to go to EFY so many times and share my testimony with my friend who later became baptized and sealed in the temple to a wonderful husband and great kids.
55. I'm happy for all the times I was able to pull a prank on a friend . . . and laugh with them about it.
56. I'm grateful I have short hair that I really don't have to worry about.
57. I'm grateful for all the times I got to have a friend spend the night, stay up talking and stregthen our friendship. I miss that.
58. I'm grateful for friends who call or write me an email just to see how I'm doing.
59. I'm grateful I have a dentist.
60. I'm grateful for all the good books I've read.
61. I'm grateful for all my seminary teachers, religion teachers, primary teachers, Sunday School teachers and Young Womens' advisors.
I'll continue this later.

There is a student in the class that I am volunteering at and he has a hard time too. I told him about my list and even let him read some of it. I told him to make his own list. We started it together with things like: his grandma's cooking, his skateboard, his laptop and a list of about 15 things. We're both working on feeling better. I hope his list helps him out.

Until later, MOPS

Second Graders

Recently I started volunteering at the Language Academy which is near my house. I am working in a Second Grade classroom and they are learning Spanish. they study topics in Spanish and I am learning a lot.

The kids are so much fun! I forgot how fun it was to be a kid. There are several kids who come up to me when I arrive and they give me a big hug. (Which is exactly what I need.) We have fun playing on the playground and jumping rope. Yesterday the music teacher came and let everyone play on her trumpet. He had 4 mouthpieces and a jar of alcohol. SO She soaked every mouthpiece after it was used and every kid got the chance to try . . . including me. I was by far the loudest since I have the largest lung capacity. It was hilarious!

Today I went out to eat with my telecare worker. I had Sushi. It was probably the third time I've ever had sushi. The first time I was with a bunch of friends. I thought the green stuff they give you with your order was avocado. WRONG! I practically melted my entire mouth and throat! Boy!

Well, I hope you're all doing well. I'm getting my picture taken tomorrow as a volunteer for the school. I don't know if I will get a copy or if it is just for the school. Who knows. I guess I had better dress nice for the picture. :)

Until later, MOPS